strabunicii mele

Ma uit pe geamul masinii , dar privirea imi este incetosata. Nu-mi dau seama daca de lacrimile mele sau de ploaia de afara. In urechi nu-mi rasuna decat vocea ta , tanguindu-se si jelind. Daca inchid ochii iti vad chipul palid si obosit , trupul bolnav si fara vlaga. Am fost , te-am vazut , ti-am sters ochii inlacrimati , ti-am sarutat obrajii brazdati de batranete si apoi te-am parasit. Inca o data. Ca de fiecare data. Si ma intreb de fiecare data daca nu cumva asta a fost ultima oara cand te voi fi vazut in viata. Si mi se frange inima gandindu-ma la tine , tu , suflet pustiit. Singura in jungla verde ce a cuprins gradina , uitandu-te mereu la poarta , asteptand sa-ti treaca cineva pragul , sa-ti dea binete , sa-ti mai aline singuratatea.
Nu pot sa nu ma gandesc , de fiecare data , ce gluma proasta ne joaca soarta. Cum , din cauza numeroaselor imprejurari , nu putem a fim alaturi de tine zi de zi , nu putem sa-ti alinam suferintele batranetii. Si daca maine nu vei mai fi , ultima mea amintire va fi imaginea ta , garbovita si plangand pe prispa casei. Ma doare si mi-e greu ca nu-ti pot fi alaturi si ma gandesc "la ce bun sa faci copii? sa ai o familie? daca nu sunt acolo sa aiba grija de tine la batranete?"
Nu m-am oprit nici la cimintir sa-l vad pe strabunicul. Am plecat in graba si n-am avut timp sa iau nici flori ,nici lumanari , nici tamaie. Ce drag mi-a fost si el si cat regret ca nu am realizat cand inca era in viata. Si cat ii duc lipsa si acum , dupa atatia ani. Vreau sa fiu alaturi de tine macar , daca nu am putut sa fiu langa el. Si nu stiu cum sa fac. Si inca o data ma razvratesc impotriva sortii crude si a unui Dumnezeu in care imi pierd credinta din cand in cand.
Nu pot decat sa plang. Pentru tine , pentru strabunicul , pentru neputinta mea.

who's the real selfish one here?

I'm sick . I don't know what exactly is wrong with me but since yesterday my head has been hurting si much that it makes me dizzy , so was mystomach. Today , even after all the pills , my head still hurts , I'm nauseated and every muscle and bonejoint in my body hurts. I called my aunt to tell her I can't take Cristi (her son) to his swimming lesson today because I don't feel well. And then she goes and asks m grandmother to take him; my grandmother who can barely walk and doesn't even know where the swimiming pool is. Why? She's home today ; she could take him ; she's his mother after all. And besides , it's not like it's the end of the world if he misses one lesson. But I bet he started making a fuss about it , that he wants to go. And so everyone else has to go out of their way to make his wishes come true. He's just to spoiled. And I hate the fact that everyone has to put aside their own problems just to oblige him. I hate the fact that he always comes first nomather what and that now my aunt is blaming me that her litle "prince" is unhappy now. I'm supposed to just get out of bed , even though I can barely stand , and take his highness to the pool. She didn't even bother to ask me if I'm gonna be alright , if I have medicine in te house. Nothing. Not her , not mom , not grandma. It makes me wonder , am I really familly to them or just a servant?
Yeah , I'm sulking like a litle kid right now , but it feels bad to see how they don't care about me at all ; they only care that the litle spoiled brat gets his lesson. And I also hate myself for feeling this stupid jealousy but I can't keep it down anymore. I always told myself that he's just a kid and that it's natural to care about him more than about others. But when they turn me into the bad character here because I didn't take him to his damm lesson it just gets on my nerves. It's not like I didn't take him cause I didn't feel like it . I'm sick for crying out loud.
God forgive me but sometimes I hate this familly.

lasy

This is just one of those days when I can't bring myself to do anything. I just want to lay down on the floor and listen to music.
But I can't :( because the house is a mess and if mom returns and finds it like this she'll go bananas. So , I have to find a way to bring my energy up. Any ideas?

happy bday

I mean for my first post here.
First of all I want to give a big thank you , domou arigatou gozaimashita , danke shon , merci beaucoup (and any other language you can think of) to my great friend ayumi for making this blog for me. You're the best!!! (I'm worthless with computers so I couldn't have done it without her)
And now , a warning , for my first post. This is the place where I'll be dumping all my crap; don't expect only sunshine , flowers and litle butterflies. You'll be disapointed. Among happier entries you may also found blood and guts and nightmares a.k.a my pissed off entries , when people get on my nerves and , in order to avoid beating the crap out of them , I start writing (did I hear anger management issues? :P )
Well , this is it for now. I'm tired and not really in an inspiring mood to write right now. Maybe tomorow.
Ja ne....


P.S You may have already noticed but I'm also in love with japanese language, wich I'm curently studying with my friend ayumi , so you will often find here and there words or expressions in japanese. Don't stone me for it.